I owe everyone an apology. I never expected to write this, I was stuck in a different mindset for a long time. But I think it’s time I accept something and admit where I have gone wrong. I have been pushing away, countering, debating, and made myself an all out controversial figure in the community. And what for? This whole time I just haven’t been listening. I’ve been deflecting and refusing to take ownership for something.
It’s time for me to step up and accept what so many have been saying. I am finally going to take personal responsibility for getting raped. Yep, you heard me. No more of this, ‘stop victim blaming’. I have gotten the message loud and clear. You are right. I did this. You finally broke through to me.
So, this is how I got myself raped and how I will be at fault for a future rape, or perhaps a mere consent violation, should it occur.
- I am physically weak. I should lift more weights, perhaps learn some martial arts. I couldn’t even do a pull-up at the time that this happened. In fact I still can’t. So if it happens again I have no excuse for not being able to physically push someone away from me.
- I was uneducated. I had not attended classes on safety or any kind of round table discussion to understand who, exactly the bad people are. In fact I still haven’t attended any! My ignorance is through the fucking roof. So please, if there are any rapists could you self identify? Without some education I am simply not going to be able to pick you out of a crowd. I am making a New Year’s resolution to watch more episodes of ‘How to catch a predator’ to try to understand this all better.
- I let people in my life. I have relationships and friendships. I allow them in my home, I eat food they prepare for me without watching them cook it. I open the door when I am alone. I leave the house by myself to meet them places. I even let my partner tie me up and believe he won’t rape me on MERE TRUST.
- My mind is weak. I almost never do a Sudoku puzzle. I hate crosswords. I have never read War and Peace. I can’t do large sums of math in my head. I am completely dyslexic with directions, often forget to take my ADHD medication and frequently daydream. I’m a Damn. Easy. Target.
- I dress like a fucking slut. No, really. I wear clothes that touch my body. I have hair. Sometimes it is up, sometimes I wear it down. I accentuate my eyes and lips with make-up. I go out in the world like this. Regularly.
- My reflexes are not cat-like. If you throw something at me, it will hit me. I will not deflect it with a sudden, practiced movement. Things can catch my by surprise and I am not always ready for them. I should be sharpening my instincts daily. Instead I forget to because I’m usually doing something less important.
So, as you can see I let myself become a victim. I opened the floodgates and brought this on myself. I am glad that so many people refused to give up on me. I kept saying over and over how we need to stand up against perpetrators without realizing they have absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! This isn’t about a ‘consent violator’ or a ‘rapist’. No, this is about taking responsibility for myself. I got myself raped!
On this note I think it’s time to create some new terms:
Predator Blaming-Every time someone who has been victimized brings up the fact someone else was involved, point out that they are blaming another entity for their survivor status. They are a predator blamer. How. Fucking. Dare. They.
Victim Flagging-Ever hear of a red flag? Well I think it’s time we start identifying potential behavior when someone is asking to get victimized. What is this, a personal add? This is a serious victim flag.
Neutral Third Party-I suggest that we replace the word predator with something a little less ‘intense’. Rapist is just so, provoking. Instead of saying ‘there is a serial rapist predator’ we can begin to say ‘a neutral third party is out there, just don’t be stupid and get yourself raped’.
Rapist apology-Sure, rape apology is thrown around like candy. I think we all need to begin to practice some rapist apology. All these inflammatory terms they have had to deal with. Next time you see one of the community’s neutral third party’s out and about tell them how difficult it must be to shoulder everything that has been thrown at them. You are sorry their victims just won’t shut up and accept some personal responsibility.
I hope over time we can begin to eliminate some of these intense discourses we have been having with so much predator blaming. That we can begin to practice more victim flagging and rapist apology. I hope this post can begin to change the conversation in a more productive direction so that everyone can focus on the important stuff. That we can get back to being a unified community without all of the drama and bullshit. I know I feel relieved already.
The Denver Sanctuary is on board with this theory! They even have a new class ‘Don’t be a Victim’.
It clearly explains how: ‘Sometimes people make stupid choices and do stupid things. This class will focus on how NOT to make stupid choices and become a victim.’ It will help you in ‘realizing that mistakes will be made and accepting responsibility for your actions’.
We got this, Denver. We got this.